Darvey post-kiss fic
by MissSmolderHolder
Summary: This is a story I've started writing a while ago, as you can tell from the timeframe, and the first story I've ever uploaded here. It deals with the aftermath of Donna and Harvey's kiss, and it will probably be 3 to 4 chapters long, depending on where my thoughts lead me. Lots of angst, friendship, love, and fluff. Possibly some sexy-time later on. Enjoy and please be gentle!
1. Chapter 1

Harvey couldn't help himself. The whole way back from the office, against his better judgment and everything he has been trying to suppress for years, he could not shake her image from his mind. Her fingers in his hair, her warm breath on his skin, so close to him, closer than they've ever allowed themselves to be in over 12 years.

His brain was a whirlwind of emotion, his heart was racing, his palms were sweating, and for a second, he thought the panic attacks were back. In fact, it was a very different and particularly difficult kind of emotion he was struggling with. When Donna walked away from him, he started having panic attacks. When she finally allowed herself to get close to him, she stirred something in him he tried so hard to bury, for so long, that he actually managed to fool himself it doesn't exist.

No, Harvey was not having a panic attack. However, he knew he needed to calm down before even thinking about going home, where Paula was waiting for him. He decided to ask Ray to drive him to his favorite bar. There, he ordered a Macallan, settled in a booth in the very back of the bar, and took a couple of deep breaths. Trying to make sense of what he was feeling wouldn't be an easy task, if at all possible.

The most difficult thing he had to admit was that what happened tonight will completely change his relationship with Paula. What bothered him most was that he did have feelings for her, or at least he had. There was not a doubt in his mind that Paula was a good person, good for him. As much as people doubted their relationship from the get go, she made him feel safe, comfortable, and wanted. But is comfortable what Harvey desired?

No one could accuse Harvey of going for the comfortable thing. His life was an endless chain of risks, adventure, and distractions. Among the many distractions he engaged in, sleeping with beautiful women was definitely at the top of the list. In fact, the only constant woman in his life was Donna, had been Donna for the last 12 years.

With a second glass of Macallan already in hand, Harvey sighed knowing his time in therapy had made it easier for him to see the role Paula was playing in his life. He wondered if Paula was aware herself of the fact that Harvey started pursuing her the moment Donna told him she wanted more. He did not wait for her to figure out what more meant, instantly paralyzed at the thought of losing her again, of her leaving him. So, he did whatever he thought he had to do to protect himself. He went to the woman who helped him get in touch with his feelings and made sure she was going to be the one who was there for him.

Now on his third glass, Harvey was having mixed feelings. He was confused about what Donna's kiss made him feel, but he could also feel the rage bubbling inside of him. He did not deserve to be put in this situation, especially by the woman he trusted most in the world. But that very thought was what tempered his rage – the woman he trusted most, his best friend, his confidant, his partner, the one who had always put him first, except for today. He could not entirely blame her.

The alcohol was starting to work its magic, and Harvey considered what to do. One thing was for sure, and that was that he could not go home to Paula now. He didn't want to hurt her, far from it. He would have to decide what to do in the morning. The second the next sneaky thought entered his mind, he knew it was an extremely bad idea. He could not go see Donna. He was afraid they would either end up fighting and saying things neither could take back, or that he wouldn't be able to trust himself around her, his emotions all heightened, and he would do something regrettable. Going back to the office seemed like the best idea. It wouldn't be the first time he spent the night there.

Back at the office, Harvey poured himself another drink. Fully aware that it might be a mistake, he took out his phone, staring for a while at Donna's name on the screen. He couldn't help but smile seeing the picture attached to the name, which Donna had put there herself. It was of her sitting at his office, legs on the table, like she used to do when she worked for him. He remembered how this used to be one of the best parts of his day – arriving back at the office after a long day and seeing her there, looking like she owned the place, always throwing a sassy remark his way.

With a gulp, he started to draft a message, but he had to idea what to say. He kept starting a sentence and then deleting it.

 _Donna, what you did tonight was…_

 _I don't know what you were thinking but…_

 _Listen, you've put me in a position that…_

 _I'm drunk and…_

 _Hey…_

Finally, he settled for " _Are you awake?_ " and hit send.

When he saw her writing back, his heart started racing. It looked like she was having trouble finding her words as well, because the typing bubbles kept disappearing then popping back up. Finally, she wrote back:

 _Yes. I didn't think you'd be. It's late._

 _I'm at the office._

 _What are you doing back there? Is something wrong?_

 _Well, I couldn't just go back home, could I?_

 _Harvey… I'm sorry, I truly am._

 _I wanted to come over._

 _Do you still want to? We could talk._

 _I'm afraid the last thing we're going to do is talk, Donna._

 _Come on, we can be adults about it and have a normal conversation without fighting._

 _Not what I meant. Do you think that kiss didn't affect me, Donna?_

 _Um… Look, Harvey, I know you're with Paula, it was just one kiss, there's really no need to dwell on it any further. I don't want you to ruin your relationship because of it._

 _It's a bit late for that, isn't it?_

 _What are you going to do?_

 _I honestly don't know. I just wanted to talk to you, see you…_

 _Okay, fine, you don't want to come over here, I'll come over there._

 _What? No, I don't think that's a good idea._

 _Harvey, you're my friend and you're hurting. Because of something I did. I'm coming over. Be there in 20._

When Donna arrived at the office, everything was quiet. Not that she expected anyone to be there. Typically, it was always her and Harvey left, working on a case, listening to records, or drinking whiskey. This time, things wouldn't be that easy. Quietly, Donna walked into Harvey's office and what she saw melted her heart. Harvey had fallen asleep on the couch, phone in hand, probably waiting for her to arrive. He looked so beautiful it hurt to look at him.

Slowly, she went to retrieve a blanket she knew was always handy in one of the cupboards, then approached him and slowly kneeled in front of the couch to place the blanket over him. As she did, she couldn't help but touch a strand of his hair that had fallen on his forehead. She was so close to him, and after the memories of that night's kiss, it was more than her heart could take. But just when she decided to go and let him sleep, he stirred and slowly opened his eyes. She froze and looked at him with wide, fearful eyes. She didn't know what to expect.

\- _Donna?_

\- _Hey, shh, it's fine, you can go back to sleep._

He looked at her pale face in the dimly lit office, her red hair messy, her freckles showing now more than ever because of the lack of makeup, and he realized she had never looked more beautiful to him. Since they were so close, he couldn't help but breathe in her sweet scent. He closed his eyes when he inhaled, and when he opened them, they were darker, filled with a desire he was unaware he had. She looked at him questioningly, unsure of what to do.

\- _I'm so happy to see you_ , he whispered with a husk in his voice.

\- _I'm sorry_ , she said again, eyes filling with tears.

\- _No, please, don't cry, it's fine, we're fine, we're going to be fine_ , he said, placing his hand over hers. _We always are._

\- _I'm afraid this time I drove you away._

\- _You could never drive me away, remember? No matter what happens, we stick with each other. Donna and Harvey. Harvey and Donna._

She smiled though her tears, looking down at their hands. His thumb was slowly caressing the back of her hand, and that motion was enough to send electric currents through her entire body. At that moment, she pulled her hand away, afraid she might melt into a puddle at his feet. He frowned at her gesture, but didn't say anything.

\- _You should get some sleep_ , she said.

\- _Will you stay here?_

\- _Harvey… I'm not sure that's such a good idea._

\- _No, just, I need you here. We don't even need to talk, I just want to know you're here._

\- _Okay, I'll stay, but just for a while._

He stood up to play a record for them, while she kicked off her shoes and made herself comfortable on the chair next to the couch. He sat back down and they listened to the record in complete silence. Surprisingly for them both, it was the same comfortable silence they were used to, even after that night's events. At some point during the song, Harvey took her hand again, and she didn't protest. By the time the record stopped playing, they were both sleeping, still holding hands.


	2. Chapter 2

Waking up sleeping on the couch at the office holding Donna's hand was not Harvey's idea of a conversation he'd like to entertain later on when people started arriving to work. Luckily, Gretchen, who was usually the first one to arrive every morning, happened to have to drop some papers on Harvey's desk before going about her daily business. The woman, knowing fully well that her friend Donna would not want to be put in that situation either, walked as slowly as she could towards them and gently shook Donna's shoulder.

Donna's eyes immediately opened, and it only took her a few seconds to realize what was happening. She motioned toward Gretchen not to make a sound, slowly untangled her fingers from Harvey's (how were they still holding hands?), then rose up and, grabbing Gretchen by the arm, exited Harvey's office. Harvey showed no signs of having heard them, presumably due to the amount of alcohol he consumed the night prior.

Out in the hallway, the redhead felt like she owed an explanation to her friend, but Gretchen, knowing better than to intrude at this particular time, said

\- _It's fine, really, we don't have to do this now. Just go get changed and I'll have a cup of coffee ready for you when you come back_.

\- _Thank you, Gretchen_ , smiled Donna. _I really appreciate it._

\- _Say no more, red_.

Harvey woke up with a soaring pain in his head, a numb arm, and a disappointed feeling upon noticing Donna was gone. Since there was no sign of movement around the office, he assumed the redhead hadn't left too long ago, so the first thing he did was walk straight into her office, but she wasn't there. His phone, he would try his phone then. However, what he did not realize was that his phone would be filled with texts and calls from Paula. She must be worried sick, and with good reason. No, he had to talk to her before doing anything else. So she rang her. She picked up immediately.

\- _Harvey? Are you okay?_

\- _Yes, Paula, sorry I haven't called. I've been… caught up at work._

\- _You don't sound okay. Are you at the office?_

\- _Yup, I'm still here. I will come by to change in a bit, then I have to come back._

\- _You know, Harvey, you could've at least called._

\- _I know… I'm sorry. I'll talk to you when I get there, okay?_

\- _I'm going to the office, Harvey, and I have patients all day today. I really don't have time to talk._

\- _Tonight then?_

\- _Okay, see you tonight at your place at 8._

\- _See you there._

This was the thing Harvey dreaded most. Having to spend a day around Donna before talking things out with Paula. He was not sure how to act around her, not sure what he wanted, not sure what he would do, in short, not sure of anything. Alas, he thought, he would go home, take a shower, get some coffee into his system, and then consider what to do.

Refreshed, wearing a new baby blue dress and stilettos, Donna entered the offices. As promised, a cup of steaming hot coffee was waiting on her desk. She smiled and mentally thanked Gretchen, then sat down at her desk in what, she hoped, would be the start of a productive day. Hah, as if, she immediately corrected herself. She gave Harvey all of two hours (the approximate amount it would take him to get home, take a shower, have a coffee, and come back) before he barged into her office barking some order at her like nothing ever happened. In that case, she thought, better just down this coffee quick.

With about 20 minutes to spare, Harvey opened the door to Donna's office without bothering to knock.

\- _Donna, do you have a sec?_ he asked sheepishly.

From the get go, his tentative tone surprised her.

\- _Um, yes, Harvey, what do you need?_

\- _I would like to, um, take you out for breakfast._

\- _Sorry?_

Out of all of the things she would have expected, this was so far off the list she didn't even know how to react.

\- _Breakfast? You know, that thing people tend to have in the morning?_

\- _Ha-ha, captain obvious. What's the occasion?_

\- _No occasion. Just thought we could both need a good breakfast after last night._

\- _So are we talking about last night?_

\- _I just mentioned it, didn't I?_

\- _And, what about last night?_

\- _Can't we just do this over breakfast?_

\- _Fine, Harvey, let's go have breakfast. Where do you want to go?_

\- _I have an idea_ , smiled Harvey.

20 minutes later Ray had dropped them off in front of their restaurant, the one where they decided (well, Harvey decided) they would work together again after spending one night together. Donna was tentative.

\- _Why here?_

\- _I don't know. We haven't been here in a while and I thought you'd like it._

\- _You did, did you?_

\- _Was I wrong?_

\- _No… It's just this place brings back a lot of memories._

\- _Good ones, I hope. Me, a dashing young lawyer. You, a wide-eyed redhead. Taking on the world of law together._

\- _Hmm, seems about right. Except the dashing part._

Harvey pouted acting hurt.

\- _You hurt, Paulsen, you hurt._

Donna laughed and they settled at their booth. A waitress promptly brought them the menus, and after they ordered, Donna noticed Harvey starting to get fidgety.

\- _Sooo_ , she started, _you wanted to talk_.

\- _First, I wanted to thank you for not going anywhere last night. But, Donna, you have to admit, what you did wasn't fair._

\- _I know, Harvey, don't you think I know? But as I said last night, it was just a kiss, and if you're asking for my permission not to tell Paula about it, well, you have it._

\- _That is so far from what I'm asking._

\- _Then what are you asking?_

\- _Do you really think I would keep this from her after the history I have with my mom?_

\- _No, Harvey, I don't. I don't think you would because you're a good guy. Because you're a better person than I am. Because I acted selfishly last night and I'm acting selfishly now asking you not to say anything because I'm too terrified, I'm terrified I've ruined everything and that you will never forgive me for it. So if you want to blame someone, just blame me. I'm the only one to blame and if you want to, I will talk to Paula myself, explain it was just a mistake and that it will never happen again, that…_

\- _Donna_ , Harvey interrupted her desperate plea, _slow down, just slow down. I can't just blame you, because you're not the only one to blame. I know we've always had a complicated relationship and that you've put me first for years and I can't condemn you for one mistake in 12 years._

\- _No, Harvey, what I did was wrong, it was a mistake and I want to…_

\- _You keep saying it was a mistake._

\- _Well?_

\- _I guess I just don't see it as a mistake. I guess if it were a mistake I would be wretched with guilt right now. And don't get me wrong, I feel awful to think I've done this to Paula, but I don't feel… guilty. I don't feel bad about it. I… I kissed back._

\- _What are you saying, Harvey?_

\- _I don't know, Donna. All I know is that I need to talk to Paula and tell her what happened._

\- _And then what?_

\- _I guess I just haven't thought that far ahead._

\- _Right._

\- _Right._

After a few moments of silence, Harvey started smiling.

\- _What could you possibly be smiling about right now?_ asked Donna.

Harvey wanted to tell her. He wanted to tell her that being here with her again, the very place where he realized she is someone he wants to keep, someone he cannot afford losing by screwing around with then screwing over in his typical Harvey fashion, brought back so many memories he wanted to just reach out and kiss her. He wanted to tell her that 12 years ago he made a choice, and about 12 hours ago he realized that he made the wrong choice. But instead, he just said:

\- _Like you said, this place brings back many memories._

\- _Yes, which is exactly why I think it's time to go back to the office._

\- _I feel like this conversation isn't over. At least, I hope it's not._

\- _It won't be. But I think we should just focus on work today, and then we can come back to it once you talk to Paula._

\- _Okay, let's head out then._


	3. Chapter 3

The day seemed to drag on for an eternity while both Harvey and Donna tried to keep busy and ignore the knot in their chest and the anticipation of finally, after all these years, knowing where they stand. At about 7:30, Donna walked out of her office heading home. At the elevators, Harvey was just stepping in and pushing the button. Upon noticing her, he started lifting his arm to stop the elevator doors from closing, but stopped when he heard Donna say:

\- _It's okay, I'll just take the next one_.

He looked at her and nodded. It only took him a second to understand why it was for the best. He was going home to talk to Paula. "We'll talk when all of this is over" is what her eyes were telling him. He nodded as well and with one final look at Donna, the doors closed between them. Harvey was so sick of all the actual and metaphorical doors between him and Donna. The door to her apartment, the door to his, the elevator door, the wall separating their two offices, all of the choices they made over the years. He thought about all of those times when he felt the need to knock them down just to feel closer to her. That night when she came over to his office to give him back _her_ key to his flat after finding out about him and Paula was still etched in Harvey's memory. A thing so insignificant as a key made him feel empty inside, like Donna giving this up meant she gave him up, gave up the intimacy they both shared. For a second, but just for a second that night, he considered calling everything off with Paula. But then what? He knew he wouldn't have the guts to actually attempt a relationship with Donna, so he settled instead.

Until that fateful night when she kissed him, the night when everything clicked together. Harvey smiled when he thought that Donna was, once again, as she had been many times in the past, braver than him. She had the guts to do what he didn't, and thanks to her, there might still be hope for the two of them.

\- _You incredible woman_ , Harvey smiled to himself.

By the time he arrived to his flat to meet Paula, Harvey was anxious to have this conversation with her. All the dread from the last hours vanished when he thought about seeing Donna later tonight. Back at his place, Paula was waiting for him on the couch holding a glass of wine. By the look on her face, she knew something was wrong.

\- _Hello, Harvey! How was your day?_ She asked without smiling.

\- _It was fine, thank you. How was yours?_

\- _Quite miserable, I have to say._

Harvey didn't want to ask why, because he would have felt like a jerk asking, knowing fully well why. So, he just said:

\- _I'm sorry. I think we need to talk._

\- _So talk._

\- _See, Paula, I've been thinking, and… I care for you a lot, I really do… but… I don't think this is working. I think it is unfair to you to continue this relationship, and I think you deserve the kind of happiness I can't give you_.

Paula nodded quietly staring into the glass in her hand. Turning her eyes toward Harvey, she said:

\- _It's her, isn't it?_

\- _I'm sorry?_

\- _Please, don't insult my intelligence and pretend you don't know who I'm talking about, Harvey._

\- _I don't know what you want me to say, Paula._

\- _That it's her. That I was right all along and that you are in love with her._

\- _I don't think it matters if I…_

\- _IT BLOODY WELL DOES_ , yelled Paula. _I want to know how much I've wasted my time with you, knowing you were in love with another woman, knowing we could never have what you have._

\- _Paula, I'm truly sorry, I never meant to hurt you. Me and Donna… it's complicated. It always will be and no one deserves to be trapped in the middle._

\- _You can't even say it. You can't even admit it to me that you're in love with her. You bloody idiot. I hope at least you'll be able to admit it to her, if you ever want her to be with you_ , Paula smiled bitterly and got up.

Putting the glass down on the coffee table, she got her bag from the kitchen counter and made her way to the door. Harvey followed her moves unsure of what else to say, but feeling like he hasn't said enough.

\- _Thank you_ , he finally said.

You could tell Paula was surprised by his words by the way her shoulders moved just as she was about to open the front door. Without turning around, she asked:

\- _What do you mean?_

\- _I don't think I ever thanked you for helping me realize some things about myself. I will forever be grateful for that, Paula, and I truly wish you the best._

\- _I just wish I'd known better than to get myself in this situation. You know, Harvey, I hope you get the girl._

With those final words, Paula closed the door behind her and was out of Harvey's life as quickly as she had entered it. Harvey took one deep breath and considered pouring himself a glass of scotch before he went to see Donna, but changed his mind immediately. No, this time, he would be completely awake and himself when he talks to her. Without bothering to call her, he left for her apartment.

Back at her place, Donna was pacing back and forth, too nervous to sit down. She knew Harvey wouldn't get in touch for a while, maybe not even tonight, but she didn't know what to do with herself. She considered having a glass of wine, but then she thought if Harvey comes by tonight, she wanted to be fully awake. Just when she was about to call it a night and get into bed early, she heard the familiar knock at her door. Too impatient to even pretend like she was not waiting for it, she opened the door immediately.

Harvey was standing in front of her door, all these years later, with the same smile he had on his face that night when they slept together. It seemed incredible to her that even after all this time, he could still look at her with the same love, lust, and amazement in his eyes that he did then. It also seemed incredible to her that all it took was that look from him to make her knees shaky.

\- _Do you want to come in?_ she asked timidly.

\- _You have no idea_.

She smiled and motioned him inside, but he stopped right in front of her, wrapped his hands around her, and pulled her in a tight hug. She buried her face in his chest and inhaled his cologne. He squeezed so tight that she thought she was going to remain breathless, but she never told him to let go. She could feel he was desperate to be close to her, and the same desire burned deep within herself. After a few minutes of complete silence in which they simply held each other, Harvey chuckled softly and said:

\- _I think we should probably close the door._

She gently let him go and did so, inviting him inside, where they settled on the couch. Facing each other, there was burning desire in both of their eyes, but they had a tacit agreement that they should talk first.

\- _I ended it with Paula_ , Harvey started.

\- _Is everything okay?_ Donna asked.

\- _Better than I could have hoped for. She seemed to have already figured out what was happening, perhaps way before we did._

\- _Oh. So what exactly is happening, Harvey?_

The next words were incredibly difficult for Harvey to say. Not because he hadn't said them before to Donna, but because this time, he wanted to make sure she understood the full meaning of his words. This time, he would allow no confusion.

\- _I love you, Donna. Always have, always will._

Donna open her mouth to speak, but Harvey was not done.

\- _Before you say anything, let me explain. I know I've said those words to you before, and I know I haven't delivered on them. I know I've been purposefully vague and tried to deny that there's anything more between us because I was afraid. I was afraid starting a relationship with you would be the end of me. Because you, Donna, you are the only person who has enough power over me to break me. I thought if things don't work out between us, this will be the end of our friendship. And for a long time, I thought it was not worth risking this friendship, because you are my best friend. You truly are. But you're also more than that. You are my rock, you are the one person who keeps me sane, you're the person who reads my mind and is always there when I need her. You're my work wife, my biggest crush, and my soulmate. Before you came into my life, I never thought a connection like this with another human being was possible for me. What we have, this, this is something unique and something I am not willing to lose. Ever. This may seem like a selfish thing, and it was. I know I was selfish and that I made you suffer. I know you've put my needs first for years, and you deserve much more than what I've given you. I hope you will some day forgive me for not being ready for you when you were for me, for taking you for granted for so long, and for not telling you I loved you sooner. Because I do, I love you, Donna Paulsen, and not in a platonic, "let's be friends who flirt and laugh and drink together" way, but in an "you are the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with" kind of way. If I am too late and you no longer want to give us a chance, I will understand that too. I will understand, and I will still love you. But I cannot spend another second not being with you when this is what I want most in the world. And I think you do too._

Harvey looked at Donna questioningly. Her eyes were brimming with tears while she looked straight into his. Slowly wiping off a tear rolling down her cheek, she opened her mouth to speak.


End file.
